Losing Weight Harder Than Kicking Crack

Losing weight in America has to be harder than trying to get off Crack. Now I haven't tried Crack (yet) but let's think about it for a minute. I've been struggling with my weight all of my life and I dare a Crackhead to go toe-to-toe with what I've had to deal with. Could you imagine a recovering Crack addict being told that he would have to learn to only smoke the right Crack, in just the right amounts, every day, day after day.

Then imagine a Crackhead driving through the city, with a drive-thru Crackhouse on every other corner: "Hi, welcome to McCrackHead's where for just a dollar, we'll Super-Size your rock for you and include a free pipe in your McCrack Deal!"

Now our Crackhead friend goes home and turns on the TV. Commercial after commercial flashing healthy, good looking people enjoying great crack and showing no ill effect. "Chronicbee's ... Smokin' good in the Neighborhood".

If our Crackhead survives that, sticking to his doctor prescribed moderate Crack intake, be goes into the office, at holiday time, where each week, some department is celebrating by having Potluck, everybody bringing in their favorite stash. He tries to abstain, but somebody leaves a big ol' piece of Crack right on his desk. "Come on, just try a piece, you can quit doing Crack again tomorrow. You don't know what you're missing, this is my Gramma's Crack recipe!"

And the clincher is, if quitting Crack really was anything like trying to lose weight, imagine telling Mr. Crackhead that if he's moderately successful with dealing with all of this, it will be weeks, months even, before he can even start looking like he did before he started doing Crack! Man, what a deal. If only Double Cheeseburgers were illegal!

Don't Call Me Bipolar, Darn it... Pretty Please

I was once diagnosed as Bipolar. I can't stand the term "Bipolar"... it sounds like a person who spends half their time at the North Pole with Santa and the other half at the South Pole with the penguins. Either that or a big, white bear that goes both ways!

What I really don't like is that every kook that freaks out for no good reason Bipolar:

• He got pissed off at his ex-wife, stole her car and drove it into a Taco Bell... Bipolar!
• He took a wizz on the neighbor's rhododendrons in the middle of the day... Bipolar!
• Got naked, bought a chili dog, climbed on top of city hall and spit out chili dog on passing cars ... Bipolar!
• Make less than $20,000 a year, living in the country illegally with your same sex partner and STILL voted for George W. Bush, twice... Bi-freakin'-polar!!!

The only good news about being bipolar is that God is bipolar. Think about... Old Testament - smite the Earth, vengeance is mine, plagues, pillar of salt, etc. New Testament - peace and love, turn thy cheek, love thy brother, suffer little children, etc... Bipolar!